Im not girl, but not yet a woman....

Its finally here. I will be a married woman within 12 hours. Scary crazy amazing.

So, I only write when I need to vent it seems like, which makes it seem like my life jumps in huge gaps. I promise im not actually this jump from one relationship to another type of person in real life. Tonight its 2:30 and im feeling sick to my stomach thinking about getting married. I know I want to be with him, and I know that everything is going to be more than fine, I just feel like in my gut i dont know. Half the time I wish everything would be over, we would already be married and be in California. The other hald of the time I feel nervous beyond belief. I dont tell him this though, hes already stressing about his own things. His stepmother still isnt supportive. Shes entitled to her own opinions though, sometimes I have hard feelings against her, but for Codys sake I just wish we could get along. Actually I have no problem getting along, she just hates my guts, for some reason oblivious to everyone else in our lives. I think thats normal though, to have aleast one person objecting, at least I hope it is. I don't think she will come to the wedding, or she would but only for Cody, and I'm unsure if she wants that. I want to be the bigger better stronger person, but she just hurts me over and over and over and it makes it quite hard. She always thinks im mooching off of him, or using him. Which in reality is in nowhere near the truth, we equally split every bill we have and anything extra we take turns paying for and im definitely known to splurge more than he is. I guess I just have this huge fear that maybe she will be right in the end and not only will it hurt for Cody and I to not work out, but it will sting for her to be right. I know thats so petty to say. Im trying as hard as I can to just focus on our relationship that is becoming stronger and stronger every day (no wedding planning squabbles.) My only other complaint is that we are not having a religious ceremony, it hurts sometimes to think that if I would have stuck with it I would be in full communion with the church right now. Its my fault not codys that I havent found another church, and my heart aches sometimes for prayer or just the ritual of church. But now I feel like that Im having a secular marriage that even if I went back I could never be in full communion without somehow changing Cody's agnostic views. I should just leave that up to god I guess. Anyways, if anyone has any advice I would love to hear it.

I always seem to write in here once a year and im always astonished about how much has changed. Cody is lovely we are lovely. I feel bad writing about how madly in love with him I am when the last post was about how I was mourning over Jon and I's relationship. Cody is the antithesis of him. Our relationship is calm, argument free, a little stressful at times from outside sources, but amazing! There are alot of things in our coming future. He has recently joined the airforce and is still waiting to find out what job he will receive. Weve talked about getting married, well more than talked we discussed, talked, whispered, agreed, decided and are going to get married. Well I say this now but I wonder what will be in a year from now. I almost feel regretful writing in here, I dont really like to remember in detail all of the bad experiences and dashed dreams. But if we are being honest im glad alot of my dreams were dashed. Ive changed so much over the past few years. I think I now how full self knowledge, I know that if Cody and I dont work there will be someone else. But I am very thankful to have him and would very much enjoy the rest of forever with him. I asked him to marry me next weekend randomly last night. he said he would think about it. I think I will just buy his ring incase. I know marriage is a very large step, but we work pretty flawlessly together. I hope he gets his linguist job. Hes really excited about it I think, he has to take his DLAB this coming week and hes a little nervous but should be okay, hopefully. Ill try to write more, Ive started a few times but it just seems so misplaced. Like how does this life even resemble one from last year or high school